Sophie Hearn (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} soph_omore) wrote,@ 2008-04-27 21:11:00 |
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In the meantime...
Some of them aren't really paragraphs. Just things that pop into my head. But there's more than ten, so maybe that'll make up for their lack of length. Most of them were intended to be elaborated upon, but I got a bit lazy, so you get it straight from the brain--no emendations. Or... straight from the slightly illegible pen scribbled on my hand in a moment of... "genius..."
Still debating my stance on bumper stickers. In general, I like to have something to entertain me whilst driving (or being driven). Even if it is just to laugh at the amount of dumb ideas and/or slogans that people are willing to broadcast. For those I especially love the old Volkswagon vans that have four million bumper stickers sporting essentially the same concept in various amusing forms.
On the other hand, sometimes I just don't want someone's perspective shoved in my face. As Bernadette's grandpa said, "Opinions are like buttholes; everyone has them, and no one wants to hear about anyone else's."
Notice: Prius owners supposedly have many shared opinions with the Volkswagon owners, being that they are generally both left-wingers and/or hippies. And yet the rear ends of Prius' remain suspiciously sticker-free. More evidence supporting the theory that Prius owners buy Prius' simply so that they can be a Prius owner. Or perhaps to use the carpool lane in Prius' earlier days.
According to the CIA Factbook, Swaziland's life expectancy is 31.84 years. That means that if John McCain lived in Swaziland, he would statistically be dead--twice.
John McCain is so old, when he was in school, there was no history class. John McCain is so old, he's got an autographed bible. John McCain is so old, his social security number is 1.
(Note: not his real social security number... Don't get me in trouble here.)
I don't understand why anyone would not be afraid of heights. Let me explain my fear with some sound syllogistic reasoning:
If you are hundreds of feet in the air, there is a big enough chance you could fall--especially if you are inhumanly clumsy, which I am. Falling hundreds of feet is usually fatal, unless you're a cat, which I'm not. Dying, as a rule, is not generally a desirable outcome. Ergo, one is well-advised to fear heights.
Sequel to the Kama Sutra -- Your Child and You.
(Note: not Karma Sutra. Witty, though.)
Just think of those poor saps who got their degrees in biology right before Watson and Crick figured out the structure of DNA.
One of the benefits of living by yourself is that you can eat straight out of the Ben and Jerry's container and no one cares. Even better, you can pick out all the pieces of chocolate chip cookie dough, and leave the rest. Ideally one would find a partner who likes the rest of the ice cream without the cookie dough. Or one who will eat the mushrooms and pepperoni off the Supreme pizza. When I'm feeling particularly shiftless, I don't bother asking for no mushrooms or pepperoni, which means I have to give those to my dog.
(Hmm... that was not intended to be a double negative, but I still feel guilty somehow...)
Do exceptionally talented spam-subject-line authors get paid well for their work? Or do they just do it for the love of the game?
Shall I elaborate? Example:
Would one get paid more for: "Warning: Your Vanguard account may have been hacked"
Rather than: "FLAVa FlAv just SEnT U A MilLiOn BucKZ!!!!"
My heart says yes, but my intuition says no.
I'll take this opportunity to express my loathing for the TeEnAgE GiRl WrItInG ThAt DoEs ThIs. There are much better and less annoying ways to demonstrate your ignorance. Also, it's a waste of time to keep hitting the shift key.
Speaking of ignorance, are Dove chocolate and Dove soap the same thing? I've always been baffled. If so, why would someone make both chocolate and soap? And if not, then why doesn't one sue the pants off the other to prevent this confusion.
Tennis is such a friendly sport. You still get love when you haven't scored any points.
My brother works as a waiter for the Sizzler on San Pablo. With the help of an employee discount, he routinely brings me home free food of slightly questionable quality.
I'm very grateful, but I only wish he'd applied at Zachary's or In-n-Out.
When someone says "I think you had to be there..." it usually involves a story that wasn't funny in the first place.
Similarly, there is usually an aboundingly clear reason why deleted scenes in movies end up on the cutting room floor. After watching several of those this weekend with my brothers, I have no choice but to conclude that only crazy people would buy a DVD for the outtakes. When I buy a DVD, I buy it for the movie, not the commentary or the special features. Commentary sucks because you can't pay attention to the movie. You'd have to watch it twice in a row: once to watch the movie, and once to listen to the commentary. Lame.
Do kids nowadays email their letters to Santa?
Sometimes I just make up adverbs. Aboundingly. Add -ly to an adjective or participle and voilà! Aboundingly should be an adverb, but I'll trust Oxford on this one.
How do women get around in high heels on cobble-stone streets without destroying their ankles?
Almost every European city I’ve visited has some cobble-stones and almost all the women are in high heels. It's bewildering. I suspect there are high-heels-on-cobble-stones training camps all over Europe.
When talking about your homework in past tense, do you say you bullshat it or bullshitted it? Sounds awkward either way, but often it has to be said.
Dear Peanut Butter Jelly Bellies,
No one likes you. Please die.
I hate grabbing a handful of Jelly Bellies and finding out too late that there was a peanut butter one hidden within. It ruins the entire mouthful. They should just stop making them all together. It's all about watermelon and buttered popcorn.
On that note, since everyone loves irregular plurals, how would one pluralize Jelly Belly? Have they trademarked Jelly Bellies as well, or is it one of those apostrophe ones (Jelly Belly's) to preserve the intellectual property?
Why is it that every narrator is either a Brit or an Aussie? I admit their voices are sexy, but is there any kind of lucrative business for a young American aspiring to narrate for an informative and slightly dull television show?
If you have been, are, or ever intend to be on Team Karen, I don't want to be friends anymore.
My brother used to own some lizards that he kept in a cage and fed with crickets. Back then all our awkward silences were conveniently filled with that all-too-clichéd chirping noise.
Running in laps around the gym in P.E., I have plenty of time to think about the inaneness of what we are doing. What if we harvested all the energy that is being put forth by the students? We could stick them in hamster wheels. (We're already running in circles--just... you know, tilt them.) Then hook up the wheels so that they collect energy when they spin. By instituting this new system in high schools across the country, we could save millions on electricity.
And as an added bonus, particularly green (by which I mean eco-friendly) students may feel more motivated to run in class.
I propose we adopt this new system beginning next year, when I will no longer be taking P.E.
Life in the fast lane implies a way of living which is full of excitement, activity, and danger. But as I remember it, our fast lane on the highway is a carpool lane, meaning you've got to have 3 or more people in the car with you. A carpool is more like you driving your kids and their friends to and from soccer practice. Life in the fast lane = soccer mom? We should revise either the idiom, or our highway system.
Will teens evolve to have stronger backs if teachers keep making them carry heavy books? Like a co-evolution thing...
Or will we just design better backpacks?
And don't give me any shit about rolling backpacks... In my book those things don't exist.
Anyone else ever use a vacuum as an alternative when you're in dire need of a lint brush?
I'm a humanitarian. I recycle on a regular (enough) basis. I turn out the lights when I leave the house. I feel empathy for people in third world countries. And I have for many years devoted myself to community service, by which I mean that I sometimes buy "Street Spirit."
I stated some time ago that chocolate was the one thing that could possibly outrank cheese. Recent events have made me reevaluate and possibly alter my position.
Exhibit A: I just found a box of Russell Stover that was given to my brother a month ago. It still had most of the chocolate in it, and it was shoved in a corner next to the microwave. Russell Stover is for wusses, and I detest Russell Stover, whoever he is. I must admit, I shouldn't judge all chocolate based on this. I'm sure there is an equivalent in the cheese industry.
(Kraft? After some amount of processing, I don't think that even counts as cheese anymore...)
Exhibit B: I just had some really amazing cheese and baguettes. I don't even know what it was called, though I should. Something foreign that I wouldn't ever be able to spell, let alone pronounce.
So I guess I'm back to neutral on the cheese v. chocolate.
You know what's annoying? When they say on a package:
Serving Size: one serving
Servings per container: about 11
Then you have to mentally divide up the package into about 11 pieces, and it's just not worth it any more. Then you go ahead and eat it, not bothering with the fact that you just ate 1200 calories in one sitting.
Other annoying things include those foil muffin cups.
Firstly, paper cups are better because they're more fun.
Secondly, in a package of foil cups, they put paper separators between each of the foil ones. And you can't use the paper separators to make cupcakes, or you will be in big trouble. But they look just like the actual paper cups.
There are those bookstores that will take your used books in exchange for new used books. But sometimes it's a hassle to get down to the bookstore and such. Well, I tend to acquire lots of books somehow, although I don't buy them. I don't know how... And no one in my family will fess up. So I read the books, and then I don't know what to do with them because I didn't want them enough to buy them in the first place. But I'm a fairly lazy person, and I don't want to schlep all the way to the bookstore to pass them along.
I suggest we set up a system where people leave their used books on BART, or other public transportation like buses, airplanes, etc. Then someone else will come along and find a book that they've never read. Hopefully they, in turn, will leave another book at some point. Or possibly the same book. Free place to dump your old junk and pick up new junk. And you'll never be bored on BART again. They'll always be a book or two lying about.
Ha, sounds like next year's FLI project in the making... psht not...
Ever been to one of those airports where the police all ride Segways? Anyone looks dumb on a Segway, but the cops look especially stupid because they're all full of themselves. Like some weird sci-fi movie, and you really want to laugh, but you can't because they're cops, after all. And you can't help but wonder how they would manage to catch someone who might be running from them. Do they just jump off the Segway and run as well?
(And I keep wanting to call it a Segue for some reason...)
Those damned elitist bastards. At Krispy Kreme and Taco Bell you can't go through the drive-through without a car, which seems logical enough. After all it is a drive-through But the fact is that the drive-through stays open all night, and the store closes much earlier. They are denying donuts and tacos to all those people who don't happen to have a car, but who still want tacos and donuts at 3:00am. If someone doesn't have money for a car, is it really fair to say they can't buy midnight donuts.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be a competitive eater. Who could ask for a better job? You get free food and people applaud if you eat it. I eat all the time--imagine if I got PAID for it... And applauded. But I don't think my stomach could handle it. Are there trainers, like in other sports? (Does it sound bad to call it a sport?)
Nachos, I believe, are one of the few foods that are oh-so-very-difficult to multitask while eating. They demand your full attention. And not only that, you want to give it to them.
(ps. sorry, Ross, about the guacamole on my Things Fall Apart...)
Some of them aren't really paragraphs. Just things that pop into my head. But there's more than ten, so maybe that'll make up for their lack of length. Most of them were intended to be elaborated upon, but I got a bit lazy, so you get it straight from the brain--no emendations. Or... straight from the slightly illegible pen scribbled on my hand in a moment of... "genius..."
Still debating my stance on bumper stickers. In general, I like to have something to entertain me whilst driving (or being driven). Even if it is just to laugh at the amount of dumb ideas and/or slogans that people are willing to broadcast. For those I especially love the old Volkswagon vans that have four million bumper stickers sporting essentially the same concept in various amusing forms.
On the other hand, sometimes I just don't want someone's perspective shoved in my face. As Bernadette's grandpa said, "Opinions are like buttholes; everyone has them, and no one wants to hear about anyone else's."
Notice: Prius owners supposedly have many shared opinions with the Volkswagon owners, being that they are generally both left-wingers and/or hippies. And yet the rear ends of Prius' remain suspiciously sticker-free. More evidence supporting the theory that Prius owners buy Prius' simply so that they can be a Prius owner. Or perhaps to use the carpool lane in Prius' earlier days.
According to the CIA Factbook, Swaziland's life expectancy is 31.84 years. That means that if John McCain lived in Swaziland, he would statistically be dead--twice.
John McCain is so old, when he was in school, there was no history class. John McCain is so old, he's got an autographed bible. John McCain is so old, his social security number is 1.
(Note: not his real social security number... Don't get me in trouble here.)
I don't understand why anyone would not be afraid of heights. Let me explain my fear with some sound syllogistic reasoning:
If you are hundreds of feet in the air, there is a big enough chance you could fall--especially if you are inhumanly clumsy, which I am. Falling hundreds of feet is usually fatal, unless you're a cat, which I'm not. Dying, as a rule, is not generally a desirable outcome. Ergo, one is well-advised to fear heights.
Sequel to the Kama Sutra -- Your Child and You.
(Note: not Karma Sutra. Witty, though.)
Just think of those poor saps who got their degrees in biology right before Watson and Crick figured out the structure of DNA.
One of the benefits of living by yourself is that you can eat straight out of the Ben and Jerry's container and no one cares. Even better, you can pick out all the pieces of chocolate chip cookie dough, and leave the rest. Ideally one would find a partner who likes the rest of the ice cream without the cookie dough. Or one who will eat the mushrooms and pepperoni off the Supreme pizza. When I'm feeling particularly shiftless, I don't bother asking for no mushrooms or pepperoni, which means I have to give those to my dog.
(Hmm... that was not intended to be a double negative, but I still feel guilty somehow...)
Do exceptionally talented spam-subject-line authors get paid well for their work? Or do they just do it for the love of the game?
Shall I elaborate? Example:
Would one get paid more for: "Warning: Your Vanguard account may have been hacked"
Rather than: "FLAVa FlAv just SEnT U A MilLiOn BucKZ!!!!"
My heart says yes, but my intuition says no.
I'll take this opportunity to express my loathing for the TeEnAgE GiRl WrItInG ThAt DoEs ThIs. There are much better and less annoying ways to demonstrate your ignorance. Also, it's a waste of time to keep hitting the shift key.
Speaking of ignorance, are Dove chocolate and Dove soap the same thing? I've always been baffled. If so, why would someone make both chocolate and soap? And if not, then why doesn't one sue the pants off the other to prevent this confusion.
Tennis is such a friendly sport. You still get love when you haven't scored any points.
My brother works as a waiter for the Sizzler on San Pablo. With the help of an employee discount, he routinely brings me home free food of slightly questionable quality.
I'm very grateful, but I only wish he'd applied at Zachary's or In-n-Out.
When someone says "I think you had to be there..." it usually involves a story that wasn't funny in the first place.
Similarly, there is usually an aboundingly clear reason why deleted scenes in movies end up on the cutting room floor. After watching several of those this weekend with my brothers, I have no choice but to conclude that only crazy people would buy a DVD for the outtakes. When I buy a DVD, I buy it for the movie, not the commentary or the special features. Commentary sucks because you can't pay attention to the movie. You'd have to watch it twice in a row: once to watch the movie, and once to listen to the commentary. Lame.
Do kids nowadays email their letters to Santa?
Sometimes I just make up adverbs. Aboundingly. Add -ly to an adjective or participle and voilà! Aboundingly should be an adverb, but I'll trust Oxford on this one.
How do women get around in high heels on cobble-stone streets without destroying their ankles?
Almost every European city I’ve visited has some cobble-stones and almost all the women are in high heels. It's bewildering. I suspect there are high-heels-on-cobble-stones training camps all over Europe.
When talking about your homework in past tense, do you say you bullshat it or bullshitted it? Sounds awkward either way, but often it has to be said.
Dear Peanut Butter Jelly Bellies,
No one likes you. Please die.
I hate grabbing a handful of Jelly Bellies and finding out too late that there was a peanut butter one hidden within. It ruins the entire mouthful. They should just stop making them all together. It's all about watermelon and buttered popcorn.
On that note, since everyone loves irregular plurals, how would one pluralize Jelly Belly? Have they trademarked Jelly Bellies as well, or is it one of those apostrophe ones (Jelly Belly's) to preserve the intellectual property?
Why is it that every narrator is either a Brit or an Aussie? I admit their voices are sexy, but is there any kind of lucrative business for a young American aspiring to narrate for an informative and slightly dull television show?
If you have been, are, or ever intend to be on Team Karen, I don't want to be friends anymore.
My brother used to own some lizards that he kept in a cage and fed with crickets. Back then all our awkward silences were conveniently filled with that all-too-clichéd chirping noise.
Running in laps around the gym in P.E., I have plenty of time to think about the inaneness of what we are doing. What if we harvested all the energy that is being put forth by the students? We could stick them in hamster wheels. (We're already running in circles--just... you know, tilt them.) Then hook up the wheels so that they collect energy when they spin. By instituting this new system in high schools across the country, we could save millions on electricity.
And as an added bonus, particularly green (by which I mean eco-friendly) students may feel more motivated to run in class.
I propose we adopt this new system beginning next year, when I will no longer be taking P.E.
Life in the fast lane implies a way of living which is full of excitement, activity, and danger. But as I remember it, our fast lane on the highway is a carpool lane, meaning you've got to have 3 or more people in the car with you. A carpool is more like you driving your kids and their friends to and from soccer practice. Life in the fast lane = soccer mom? We should revise either the idiom, or our highway system.
Will teens evolve to have stronger backs if teachers keep making them carry heavy books? Like a co-evolution thing...
Or will we just design better backpacks?
And don't give me any shit about rolling backpacks... In my book those things don't exist.
Anyone else ever use a vacuum as an alternative when you're in dire need of a lint brush?
I'm a humanitarian. I recycle on a regular (enough) basis. I turn out the lights when I leave the house. I feel empathy for people in third world countries. And I have for many years devoted myself to community service, by which I mean that I sometimes buy "Street Spirit."
I stated some time ago that chocolate was the one thing that could possibly outrank cheese. Recent events have made me reevaluate and possibly alter my position.
Exhibit A: I just found a box of Russell Stover that was given to my brother a month ago. It still had most of the chocolate in it, and it was shoved in a corner next to the microwave. Russell Stover is for wusses, and I detest Russell Stover, whoever he is. I must admit, I shouldn't judge all chocolate based on this. I'm sure there is an equivalent in the cheese industry.
(Kraft? After some amount of processing, I don't think that even counts as cheese anymore...)
Exhibit B: I just had some really amazing cheese and baguettes. I don't even know what it was called, though I should. Something foreign that I wouldn't ever be able to spell, let alone pronounce.
So I guess I'm back to neutral on the cheese v. chocolate.
You know what's annoying? When they say on a package:
Serving Size: one serving
Servings per container: about 11
Then you have to mentally divide up the package into about 11 pieces, and it's just not worth it any more. Then you go ahead and eat it, not bothering with the fact that you just ate 1200 calories in one sitting.
Other annoying things include those foil muffin cups.
Firstly, paper cups are better because they're more fun.
Secondly, in a package of foil cups, they put paper separators between each of the foil ones. And you can't use the paper separators to make cupcakes, or you will be in big trouble. But they look just like the actual paper cups.
There are those bookstores that will take your used books in exchange for new used books. But sometimes it's a hassle to get down to the bookstore and such. Well, I tend to acquire lots of books somehow, although I don't buy them. I don't know how... And no one in my family will fess up. So I read the books, and then I don't know what to do with them because I didn't want them enough to buy them in the first place. But I'm a fairly lazy person, and I don't want to schlep all the way to the bookstore to pass them along.
I suggest we set up a system where people leave their used books on BART, or other public transportation like buses, airplanes, etc. Then someone else will come along and find a book that they've never read. Hopefully they, in turn, will leave another book at some point. Or possibly the same book. Free place to dump your old junk and pick up new junk. And you'll never be bored on BART again. They'll always be a book or two lying about.
Ha, sounds like next year's FLI project in the making... psht not...
Ever been to one of those airports where the police all ride Segways? Anyone looks dumb on a Segway, but the cops look especially stupid because they're all full of themselves. Like some weird sci-fi movie, and you really want to laugh, but you can't because they're cops, after all. And you can't help but wonder how they would manage to catch someone who might be running from them. Do they just jump off the Segway and run as well?
(And I keep wanting to call it a Segue for some reason...)
Those damned elitist bastards. At Krispy Kreme and Taco Bell you can't go through the drive-through without a car, which seems logical enough. After all it is a drive-through But the fact is that the drive-through stays open all night, and the store closes much earlier. They are denying donuts and tacos to all those people who don't happen to have a car, but who still want tacos and donuts at 3:00am. If someone doesn't have money for a car, is it really fair to say they can't buy midnight donuts.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be a competitive eater. Who could ask for a better job? You get free food and people applaud if you eat it. I eat all the time--imagine if I got PAID for it... And applauded. But I don't think my stomach could handle it. Are there trainers, like in other sports? (Does it sound bad to call it a sport?)
Nachos, I believe, are one of the few foods that are oh-so-very-difficult to multitask while eating. They demand your full attention. And not only that, you want to give it to them.
(ps. sorry, Ross, about the guacamole on my Things Fall Apart...)
